Should I Pay Attention to Chemistry? As being a Mature Dater, Hell Yes!

Should I Pay Attention to Chemistry? As being a Mature Dater, Hell Yes!

It’s your first or second date and you’re super digging a guy. You’re feeling those butterflies. Should you pay attention to the CHEMISTRY?

If you’re trying to find a loving, committed, lifetime partner but keep picking players, narcissists, or non-committals…I’m inclined to say a very good NO!

Chemistry can be your enemy! Run! We make such bad decisions based on chemistry.

But then again, just because he’s hot doesn’t necessarily imply he doesn’t have the potential to be hubby material. If you’d like to know how to tell if you’re heading in to a chemistry trap…get my tips here.

Watch the video or read the article below.

You’re an hour or more in to a date by way of a new man. You love him.

Time to pause and apply the ‘Is He HOT or is He HUBBY? test.

Before starting, grab your Grownup Girl. You know who I’m talking about. She’s your mature dater. She’s the fabulous woman you’ve gotten to know in other elements of yourself and learned to love, respect and look after.

If you must, break his spell by leaving the table for an alone moment, channel her, just do what it takes to have her there. Now, ask her these questions:

1. Is he hot?

Of course, he is; you said ‘yes to the date and possessn’t yet excused yourself and gone home yet. The answer is ‘Yes so go to the next question.

You’re looking for a great mate…not just a great date, right?

2. What do I like about him aside from his hotness?

Granted, that you do not know him very well. But what faculties show potential? If the answer is ‘None (aside from he’s hot); or your only other answer is anything like ‘He’s charming…get the hell out of there girlfriend.

If all that you see is Mr. Hot+Charming, pay attention…it’s chemistry! You are in grave danger of planning to that ‘b’bye grownup girl and heeelllo silly 25 year old moment. YOu know that you’re bound to regret that later on, don’t you?

If there are more (grownup) traits you like…proceed.

3. Does he show other faculties I must have in a long term partner?

You’re looking for a great mate…not just a great date, right?

What you want from a man in a fling is different from what you want from a man in a meaningful, committed relationship. Does he show signs of those qualities?

Be sure to ask your Grownup Girl…she knows the difference. When you can see potential (rather than just hope for it), proceed.

4. Do I feel good about myself when I’m with him?

Notice I didn’t say ‘Do I feel good when I’m with him. When a man is Hot+Charming you feel good – especially when he directs his charm for your requirements. And so I’m going to start thinking about that a given.

What I want you to ask yourself here is:

‘Does he seem to bring out the best in me? ‘Am I comfortable being myself with him? ‘ Do I feel special and safe with him?

If this is your first date and the answers are yes or strong maybes…proceed with getting to know him. Be sure to stay static in development and keep being attentive to the chemistry part of your attraction. He may be described as a winner!

If this is not your first date and the answers are yes, proceed to the last step.

5. Do I feel good about myself when I’m NOT with him?

Again, Hot+Charming feels yummy…even towards the most mature of daters.

The real test is the method that you feel about yourself (and him) when you’re not with him and feeling the consequence of that nasty chemistry. So often that time away is filled with insecurity and uncertainty. That’s not the method that you want to feel for any length of time, could it be?

So…ask yourself again:

‘Does he seem to bring out the best in me? ‘Am I comfortable being myself with him? ‘ Do I feel special and safe with him?

If the answers are yes strong maybes…again…keep on getting to know him, checking in with that smart Grownup Girl which knows how to look after herself. I hope he is your winner!

Is it possible to relate? Let me know!

If you don’t ask…you don’t get.

That is one of my Dad’s favorite lines and I think the main element to being happy with men.

Dad’s premise was that it is your responsibility to state what you want when it’s important to you, and then give men and women to be able to give it. If you don’t ask for anything, there’s a good chance you may not get it. Of course that you do not, it’s not the potential giver’s fault; it’s yours.

I’ve used this advice in all kinds of situations: I ask the waiter to make sure there’s absolutely no black pepper on my meal (I hate it!); I ask for help when I can’t reach anything on a high shelf; When my girlfriends ask ‘what would you like to do tonight I tell them.

More significant destination I rely on this mantra, though, is in my marriage.

If you’d like to give a man more wonderful gift, tell him just what will allow you to be happy. Then let him take action.

My husband, Larry, is pretty damn intuitive and pays better attention to the world around him than most men. He also pays special attention to me (nearly all the time). Yet even he can’t always get it right when it comes to pleasing me. And it’s completely unrealistic to expect that.

(Yep, btw, I found a good man. And there are plenty more out there!)

So when I want Larry to accomplish anything for me that’s important to me that he’s not already doing…

I tell him what I want.


Sometimes it’s hard to ask for what you want.

Even in simple day-to-day life situations, this is often hard. Do you really accept the overcooked meal you paid $40 for and say ‘thank you? Do you really allow the customer service rep to end the call even though she’s been rude and containsn’t even answered your question? Do you really keep allowing the pushy car salesman to call you in place of telling him to please wait for you to call him?

I encourage you to knock that shit off. Not only does it leave you with an unfulfilled need, you’re left with frustration and resentfulness piled on top of it.

Yah, my Dad was right on. Asking for what you want is vital to getting what you want and need in life, and learning to take action in a kind and non-threatening way is one of many strongest tools you need to use.

And it’s most crucial while dating or in a relationship.

Think he should just know how to make you happy?

Maybe you’re cool with asking to put your steak regarding the grill for a few more minutes or to move you to a table further away from the home.

But how good are you currently at asking a man to accomplish anything for you…or not do something?

Do you really ask him to call you instead of text, or to stop talking so much and let you share a little about yourself? ( In a very kind way, of course.) How good are you currently at asking your boyfriend to make your weekend plans further in advance so you can plan the rest of your life or telling him that you when he [fill-in-the-blank] it makes you feel uneasy and you’d like him to accomplish [fill-in-the-blank] instead?

Do you think you shouldn’t need certainly to ask?

My friend Jan told me that she doesn’t think she should have to tell a man what she wants. She’s only one of a myriad of women who have told me that if a guy is paying attention and really cares, he should certainly figure out what she wants. He should be aware of how to handle it to make her happy.

In a word (or a few)…that’s bullshit. And unfair to men.

News flash # 1: Men don’t think like us!

If you expect a person who can be so fundamentally distinctive from you to figure out what you need to be happy, you’re living in a dream world. That’s 1 trillion times truer if you’re expecting this starting from the first phone call or date! (Don’t just blow off the last sentence here. Give it some thought. Is it possible to be accountable of this? So many of us are.)

He should be aware of it’s not okay to keep texting me.

He should be aware of it’s rude to ask to pick me up at my place on a first date.

He should offer to go with me to my family picnic without me having to ask.

I’m telling you, sibling, it’s these unrealistic expectations that are the basis of dates going nowhere and otherwise good relationships breaking up.

One of many top complaints made by men about women is that women expect them to learn our minds. And, they say, if they try and acquire it wrong, we hold it against them. (Right guys? Are you truth be told there? Chime in please.)

News flash # 2: Men would do ‘it for you if he knew what ‘it was!

If you’d like to give a man more wonderful gift, tell him just what will allow you to be happy. Then let him take action.

When a man cares for you or desires to impress you, he desires to get it right. He wants you to clue him into what you like and what you want. And isn’t that exactly what you’re looking for…a man who wants to make you happy?

So when you’re dating and a man asks what you want to accomplish on your own date, don’t accuse him of being lazy or not caring enough to plan a date. There’s a good chance he’s asking because he wants to take you to a place where you feel comfortable and that you are going to enjoy.

When you sit across from him, smile, and say ‘thank you, I like this destination! that guy will light up with pride. He desires to get it right!

Principle # 3 of Dating Like a Grownup is to take responsibility for your actions and outcomes. If you’d like to get what you want from men, follow that advice.

Learn how to ask for what you want in a kind and non-threatening way. This is – hands down – the best gift you can easily give to the nice man you’ve just met online, the guy you’re going out with for the third time, or your husband of a decade.

Give it a try. Let me know how it goes.